What We Lived Through Is Living In Us : A breakdown.

 Hey there :) 

This has been a much anticipated post, because of its nature and because I spoke about in on IG. If you're new here, I use this blog for a little bit of everything: from opinionated pieces to reviews, from snippets of writing to personal epiphanies. So a disclaimer before we move on: everything written here is based on my opinion and careful consideration has gone into each statement written. I take full accountability for the things I say, so if you do have any concerns, feel free to reach out to me either in the comments or through social media, you know where to find me :)

Today's post is unlike any other, and by that I mean it's going to address something we have been hearing bits and pieces about, without really considering the big picture. 

Fair warning: this is not an exposé. I'm not here to throw anyone under the bus or tarnish reputations. So if you're here for the drama, I'm sorry to disappoint you.

Let's rewind, to the end of last week, when a student from my alma mater decided to speak up about some things she felt were going unaddressed, in the way she saw best fit. I was having a typical Friday morning- rolling out of bed at 11am. Classic Holiday Najaha. Except I also received a perculiar document alongside the message, 'did you see this?'

And I did, see it. Read it. I remember sitting and reading, breathlessly because someone had finally done what we had wanted to do all along: spoken up. For a few minutes after reading this particular letter, I was taken back to my last year in school and some very grueling moments. Recollections of a past I had not quite gotten over were bubbling up to the surface and for the briefest of moments, I was afraid that I would never be able to live past it all. 

And I know what you might be thinking, how dramatic? but the thing is, you wouldn't know unless you've been where we've been. In dingy sports rooms after school, holding breaths and reminding yourself that you're going to be okay. In the quiet corners of a classrooms after everyone had left, wondering why you were the only one who had to keep running through a million things all at once, wondering why people thought you had a choice in what you were doing. 

I'm not going to go into detail about what happened when I was in school, or what happened previously because I am aware now that the management has changed and a lot of things are being taken into consideration for the betterment of student wellbeing. But this letter made me wonder just how much more change do we truly need to see, in order to feel okay? 

This letter went on to being circulated widely, accompanied by a hundred different twisted versions of something far milder than many know and admit. Someone finally spoke up, so now everyone considers themselves a viable advocate to use this opportunity to say things they had always been thinking of. Which is, essentially, what I'm doing too. But there is something else we need to understand before we start blaming an entire institution for the faults of a few. 

There is a reason why certain things haven't changed even though decades have passed and many managements have come in and gone out of the school walls. In my opinion, students are often not treated as the children they are, in circumstances where they ought to be treated as children. I don't really know if that is a communal flaw or something schools in general misconceive, but a pattern I have seen while being a student and a teacher is that educators often consider children to have the same mental capacity as they do. 

Asking a child to juggle multiple things while also ensuring their grades don't slip, when little to no help is offered as additional support can cause irreversible effects in a child. The counter argument here is that 'this will be a valuable experience for your future', which is true but that doesn't make it morally correct. I have seen grown adults leave grand scale events up to children, teenagers who are barely capable of complex neural functioning, in the guise of experience and when something goes wrong, the child is easily blamed for being incompetent, like they had a choice to begin with. 

Gas-lighting is something that has prevailed in schools for years, where educators use manipulative and coercive language in order to get what they need done, well, done. This is something I have seen within the walls of Ilma and no, please don't tell me it doesn't happen just because it has never happened to you. Believe me, these issues are general and experiences of so many different individuals. 

When you treat children like you treat adults, you instill fear in them: fear of failure, fear of being taken for granted, fear of being incompetent. You give them a form of PTSD that is more severe than the ones veteran soldiers experience. When you forget they are children, you also forget that they will not be under your 'care' forever, you forget that when they step out of the walls of your institution, they harbor these fears for a long time. 

You may argue that this formula has worked for years, that so-and-so prospered, that many of our alumni have lived up to the name of our school, and that is true. So many of our alumni have reached incredible heights, but not without having to undergo years of self scrutiny and turmoil. Not without wondering why the world is so different from what the walls of our school painted for us. Not without realizing that the years they spent juggling multiple things in school, were actually years of mental and physical labour they should never have gone through to begin with. (Please keep in mind this is common in most, if not all, schools). You do not realize that one of the primary reasons as to why they persevere is because of their inner strength and need to live past the trauma and injustices they faced during one period of their life. 

This is the underlying problem we should be addressing: the expectations the school places on students, without proper backing. The constant pressure to perform well in all areas, even though no one offers the right guidance. 

TLDR: A student should be able to ask for help from a teacher, without having to question their worthiness. A student should be able to say No, without having their competence questioned. A student should be able to confide in a teacher, without the teacher holding it against the student when the student is at a vulnerable state. 

Now that we have that figured out, let's move on to a few more important things I wanted to speak about: 

1. We are currently in the midst of a global pandemic, which means schools are closed, but online schooling is still taking place. As a teacher and a student, I would like to take this time to let you know that teaching online is nearly as draining as studying online. Teachers have to prepare a lot more when teaching online than they do when they teach on-site. So please, consider this the next time you question your teachers abilities or dedication. If it isn't easy for you to sit in one place learning all day long, it's not easy for a teacher either. We're all trying to make the best out of the situation. We're all trying to help each other right now. Appreciate your teachers, kids :) right now, more than ever. 

2. Too many people are blowing this out of proportion, because of many reasons. 

i. they don't really know what happened but by word of mouth (aka instagram stories and dms), they've gathered a watered down version of what happened and are speaking about it. If you are doing this, please take time to sort through the facts before you jump into conclusions and blatantly insult/defend the school. 

ii. they have always harbored sour feelings about the school, either because of something that happened to them while they were at school or because they felt undermined. To these people, this is nothing but an opportunity to spew hatred. They don't really care about the betterment of the school or the wellbeing of the students. If you are one of the people typing profanity online to express your opinions, take a few seconds to calm down and truly consider why you're doing this. Are you really concerned about the way the school is being run or are you hoping the school reaches its downfall? Please, consider revisiting what you've said and how it can come across. 

iii. different people are allowed to have different opinions, because the world is not made of clones. We're all going to look at this from different angles, but the best thing to do would be to take some time to reflect on if this matter truly concerns you and if your opinion here is valid. If you are someone who was heavily involved in school and have faced some sort of prejudice during your tenure and you're disappointed and hurt to see that it still exists, this is me reassuring you that times have changed, even if it isn't immediately apparent. The management is no longer the same and so many things have become more standardized. This letter was only addressing a few things that still require changing. If you are someone who was not involved in school but are worried about the way things played out, I assure you there have always been ups and downs, as is the case with most schools. Your opinions are valid, as long as you aren't hurting other people in the process. Remember, your words and actions have consequences so always, always check your intentions. 

Technically speaking, when I first decided to write this post, I was fueled by anger and hurt. I was devastated to see that seemingly nothing had changed. My own biases were showing. A friend and I spent nearly an hour speaking about our experience at school and why this letter hit so close to home. But as each day passed by, I began to realize that this could go three ways: a) we could pretend it never happened and let the management come up with a solution, essentially drowning out this 'motion of awareness', b) speak about it, holding the school accountable for change while reliving past trauma and accumulating hate that need not be there or c) consider what happened as an insight into the problems at the root of our education system, discussing what needs to change while appreciating and respecting the efforts taken by this student to speak up. 

I'm aware that this isn't how most of you expected this blog post to pan out, for many reasons. You would have assumed that this would hold a biased retelling of events because of how I worded my IG stories, but months of trying to live past it all has helped bury the urge to bring it all up again. I haven't forgotten what happened, because it really isn't that easy. But I have accepted it and I am hoping to let it live in the backspace of my mind, as a reminder of what I hope to never be as an adult and as an educator. Some of you may have assumed I would bash the school, which really if you've known me for long enough, you know I never would. Ilma has done its toll on me, I can't deny that but it has also given me life-long friends, given me memories I will savour for years and taught me that in order to be my best self, I need to step out of my comfort zone. 

I didn't consider religion, or any religious aspects of school in this post because this post and the problems discussed are rather general and has little to nothing to do with Islam and more so to do with the mindsets of some people in our community :)

That being said, I hope all of you reflect on how you perceive things before you jump to conclusions and I hope all of us heal from the things we do not speak about. I hope our school prospers, because it has always been home to me and so many of my friends, and I hope you have a good week ahead. 

Thank you for reading. Stay safe!
All my love, 

N x.